This post is inspired by a couple years of personal turmoil over a silly topic to be debated. My new hero Jaymee brings up the subject in her Blog and my comment back to her was so long I just made it my own post here. Here is Jaymee's Blog (I swear this girl is in my head)
A BIG hot topic in Surrogacy is breastfeeding/pumping and the insecurities/jealousy issues IM's must have if they do not allow their surrogate to nurse to do not want to use breast milk.
My initial plan was to induce using Ask Elenore protocol with Domperidone and BCP's. I have a close friend who used and I saw it work wonderfully.
THEN came the pressure from the surrogacy world to be okay with a surro breastfeed in the hospital. I thought heck no! I will feed my baby thank you very much. It is the first thing I CAN do as a parent and I am going to do it. Plus to be really honest, I find it a little creepy.
This is where to much time to think got to me.......I started asking myself what was wrong with me that I didn't want my surro to nurse my child? I need to suck it up and get over myself. So THEN I decided I could do it and it's not such a big deal.
BUT of course I couldn't just stop there, in the end I wind back up with were I started. It's OKAY for me to want to feed my own child. People who do not have a surrogate do not have anyone pressuring them to have a friend nurse their child. At some point, we get to be a family like everyone else and make parental choices for our children without a HIPPA release and PBO in place. It doesn't mean I am ungrateful or bailing on my friend or surro who carried our child it just means she helped create a REAL family, one in which the parents are allowed to meet the child's' basic needs as they see fit.
I am so incredibly grateful we have two friends who will not only carry our children but respect our need to be a real family too.
*As a side note-I am not in favor of our surrogates eating the placentas either.......again, the creepy issue plus it's just gross......BLECH Now that I have completely offended the very crunchy parents and surro's I am done for now.
I read other blogs and am struggling to find my voice here. The "who I am" and "how I got here" explanations make me sound like a big cry baby (which I am not or at least not MOST of the time and then only Jon gets blessed with it). How do I wear a hat here that is honest without destroying myself or worse making others pity me. I have shared a lot online over the past few years in hopes of letting surrogates know what it is to be an intended mother and letting other IM's know they are not alone. I REALLY don't want pity I just want to open some eyes because I see so many misconceptions as to what we go through. So in my sharing I need the readers to know that the perception IM's are just broken and crazy is not altogether true. I say "altogether" because 1. Clearly we are broken in body and 2. If we were not just a bit crazy we wouldn't be fighting so damn hard to create our families BUT what truly defines us and sets us apart is our incredible strength and sheer determination to over come and conquer mountains most people have never even seen. There are days the mountain beats me up but in the end you must know I will WIN. I hope my voice will be seen as a post card from the mountain.
We know the odds now, (way to well) so how do we use them to our advantage? Let's double our odds by doubling our surrogates. The math seems really simple.
Sure having all of the people involved can make things complicated, but Mr. Excited just wants to hear about the results - not the complications.
We have One goal. One Mission. AND One Obsession.
So with our eyes firmly on the prize we are moving forward with a new Adventure of a Lifetime. We have built a new team to join us and are ready and excited about moving forward again.
We have named our surrogates Ajysyt and Isis. To give them their privacy on the web. Also, it just seemed like a lot of fun to keep people guessing.
Our goal is to share this story with everyone. To accomplish this we have started a new blog so that you can meet all of the players.:
A Tale of Two Surro's
Surrogacy itself can lead to confrontation whether face-to-face, on the phone, or online. It's tendency for controversy comes from people having such passionate feelings about it. Surrogacy in which more than one surro is being used tends to be an even more touchy subject. My thoughts on dealing with confrontation are (I think) rather simple. You need to love, care, and be passionate about what you are doing more than you fear confrontation. Add to that doing what you know is right and having your heart and mind in the right place, then thats the armor you need to get you through whatever lies ahead.
Isis and I were talking on the phone a while back and she started to wonder how big Jon was at birth. Jon is a big guy. He's a big basketball-playing athlete of a guy. Isis and I are both, umm, short. She has the distinction of having carried big babies though, I've only been tested with small and average babies. So Isis decided to tell Christy that we would transfer the big Jon embryos to her and the small Christy ones to me. The problem with that plan? Christy was the bigger baby at birth! ROFL She was a nice average baby, but Jon was a tiny little guy.
So, Christy and Jon, thank you for having small baby genes.
And Isis, thank you for a great laugh as always. I hope you don't mind I shared! heehee
At one point I wasn't even sure if I would be a surrogate again. Honestly, I was feeling sad about my "journey" even though I tried as hard as I could to be completely positive about it.
When I met Christy I met a real and honest woman who so badly wanted to have a baby. A woman who despite everything she was facing was still able to laugh and be open. When I met her I immediately felt like she was just who I would hope for as an IM. I even told her so! Of course she was matched and I was... busy. I was fortunate instead be able to become friends with her. I moved on and followed my heart, which lied to me mercilessly! When I came to my senses there was my friend, in need of a surrogate (or 2). Wow, how lucky am I to get to help my friend have a baby (or 4)?
I haven't met Isis yet, but I can't wait. My home is open to her anytime, and my heart is open to the great friendship that I know will develop. I feel like I know her already! :D
Oh, and Jon, he's okay too. Hahahahahahaha! :P
Scroll down to the first few posts and you will see Jon's "interesting" attempts at making an announcement. Not sure if we ever got it right so we just decided to share this with our close friends in surrogacy today! MUA .....Christy
please post comments.
Please!
Pretty please with sugar on top!!!!!!!
I can see the ticker that shows us people are visiting. If you don't post comments it's like we're talking to ourselves. I do that enough at home. If I start doing it online too people might think I'm crazy. ;)
My observation............
When talking to other people in the surrogacy world the topic of having two surrogates help one set of IP's at the same time causes a bit of a stir. A number of people in the surrogacy world become quite judgmental. The odd part to me is these are the same people who have the world at large questioning what they are doing being a surrogate at all.
Just interesting that those that are fastest to judge something out of the "norm" are the same people who have been judged by others for doing something out of the "norm".
Welcome to my world of infertility, "norms" have no place here :-) But for everyone else there are reclining seats with a popcorn holder.
Murgdan has a funny comic strip following the Indiana Jones theme today.
It's called spermiana bones and uterus of doom.
It's worth the time to take a look. There is a war going on in the uterus. Survival is at stake.
You will laugh.
We need to due a little brain storming here. Since we are talking about selling sponsorship the our Adventure (think Nascar with logo's everywhere) what part of the journey should we promote as the best sponsorship opportunity? And we also need a suggest price.
Feel free to add any ideas that come to mind.
For example: how about the 5th middle name of the 4th child?
This Blog is where we will be telling the world about our new team members. The list is long as many people have been added or subtracted. We expect to have a new RE and that will be finalized shortly.
We already have two new surrogates, and their families on board.
Soon we expect to add two new OB's.
Basically, Christy and I are the same and everyone else will be new. Joining us for a fresh start.
We are bringing our crew with us of smurf's and then a growing list of cheerleaders.
We are actively recruiting boosters that want to support our team. Add a comment if you want to join this group and we will send you our address so you can mail out the check.
Keep in mind there are front row seats available at the birth, or we can change the Surro's name on the blog to represent your business.
Anyway, this blog is where the program will be laid out and all the new and hot information will be released. Bookmark this page and come back often, With all four of us posting in this collaboration this should be a very active place.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of infertility
I will fear no needle; for Thou art with me
Thy RE and his staff, they comfort me
They preparest me on a table in the presence of mine IPs
They anointest my uterus with embryos
May my IPs cup runneth over
ivfWir haben eine doppelte Übertragung mit zwei Surrogaten gleichzeitig. Dies wird unsere Chancen vermehren, ein Baby zu haben.
Wir bauen eine internationale Stützengruppe, die uns auf unserem Weg jubeln wird.
Dies ist ein Spaß und Aufregen misst Zeit.
We are having a dual transfer with two surrogates at the same time. This will increase our chances of having a baby.
We are building an international support group that will cheer us on our way.
iTenemos una transferencia doble con dos surrogates al mismo tiempo. Esto aumentará nuestras oportunidades de dar la luz a un bebé.
Construimos un grupo internacional de apoyo que nos vitoreará en nuestra manera.
Esto es una diversión y tiempo emocionante.
We are having a dual transfer with two surrogates at the same time. This will increase our chances of having a baby.
We are building an international support group that will cheer us on our way.
This is a fun and exciting time.
I like the viewer map on the right. It will really be interesting to watch it as the blog grows with more and more cheerleaders.
First the title of the post is: A Tale of Two Surros.
Ajysyt gave us this advice:
Don't loco totus of vestri eggs una alveus.
We understand that:
Ut portamus per praeter unus alveus procul a vicis, populus es amo voco nos bascauda theca.
But,
Nos amo vivo periculosus
Fortunatly,
Nostrum alveus theca adepto per.
Our basket cases get along.
Thanks you two. For Joining our Adventure of a lifetime.
At the bottom right hand side.......is that a page counter or people who have looked at this Blog? I thought no one could see it.....yet
I sit here reading this blog with Jon over my shoulder saying "post something and stop going around making fun of my posts in the comments section" So here is my first post not making fun of Jon! It is inspired by Ajysyt and Isis and their posts..............
I am reading this and it hit me how incredibly blessed I am to have more than surro's but friends step up and help me make Jon a daddy for the first time. As a little girl all I really thought about was one day becoming a mommy. Now I am grown and am with the most incredible man for me and want so much to see his dream of becoming a daddy happen. The strange twist in my life is I cannot do that for him by myself like almost 90% of the general population can do. It is a gift I don't even think most women see they give when they give birth. For most women, it isn't just them having a baby but they are also carrying a baby for the man they love and creating their own family. I cannot think of a greater gift of any woman to give the man she loves. It has been a painful road to get here today but I just feel beyond blessed to have two friends offer to help us by stepping into my place and carry these children that will make Jon a Daddy. This is the ultimate gift I cannot give Jon without the help of my friends and am just blown away they have offered this incredible gift of their time and life.
To BOTH of my friends who have offered to grow our babies until it is time for them to make Jon a Daddy, I cannot EVER thank you enough. Words will never do justice to my feeling of complete awe of your kindness in helping us.
There’s always a choice about what self you’ll be – in every precious, present moment.
Your best self is an ethical self that chooses the right thing because it’s the right thing.
Your best self is a courageous self. Courage, especially for those “everyday leaders” who appear to be followers, who have titles like assistant or deputy, receptionist or associate, teenager or middle child, or first man, which always means second person :).
There’s a lot of titles for a lot of everyday leaders. Our best self steps up through these roles, when we’re not paid to, not expected to, or in some cases not welcome to speak, to act, or to lead.
Conversely, for authorized leaders leading with your best self sometimes means doing the right and courageous thing by admitting you don’t know, asking for help, or giving away your power.
Maybe what’s most true of “leading with your best self” is that it’s yourauthentic best self.
http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2008/08/colin-hubbell-led-with-his-best-self/
From Ecclesiastes 4:9-10:
"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.
For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."
I find this passage quite relevant to our situation. In particular the fact that with a bigger team (which will hopefully include many cheerleaders as well) there is far greater emotional support.
I should probably explain myself a bit as did Ajysyt. She refers to choices & possibilities and being part of something unconventional. Here's a bit about how I come to this "unconventional" team.
This will be my second journey. I feel as if fate had a hand in leading me to it much like it did with my first journey. For my first journey there were no agencies or "matching" involved. It was family and I volunteered. There were circumstances that led up to a surrogacy discussion and the pieces seemed to fall into place afterwards.
I again feel like fate (and my heart) led me here. I was not originally a team member. There have been twists and turns that changed things along the way. For those of you that don't know, there is more than one backstory that paved the way for the road I'm now proud to travel. Great things are/will be happening for many people now and in the near future because of the different events surrounding these people.
When it comes to choosing to be one of two surros, I don't just choose it, I relish the idea (at least for us). Being a part of any surrogacy is something amazing and life-changing for everyone involved. I don't go into this seeing any kind of competition between surros. That tends to be the relationship downfall in most dual-surrogacies. I see it as working together with someone to create a family. We have the same goal and it will be nice to get there together. I'm not foolish enough to think there won't be issues or hardships. There always are. In fact, if it weren't for issues and hardships there would not be surrogacy. It's up to us to deal with things in the best way we can and be there for each other.
I am honored to be part of this team. I will be more honored the day I see the look on your faces when you lay eyes on your child/children for the first time. What better way to teach my own children the importance of family than helping to create one. The life of a family can be forever changed by helping create that family.
Tale of Two Surros
T.O.T.S.
How interesting, ironic, appropriate that our acronym spells something related to children.
***This is originally posted as a comment to another post.***
I'm proud to call myself Isis. Although I'm not into necrophilia, I do tend to have a determined streak to me. I also function with faith that what I want to happen will happen. Some might see this as believing in magic. Isn't that what families are? Magic! Families are not made. They are "created". Most often they are created in the natural way but sometimes it takes a little magic (or a few specialists) along the way.
How did I get HERE? I'm not really sure. It's a long story, full of a lot of different choices and possibilities. I could have easily been part of any number of different "teams" right now, so why did I choose this team? It is, after all, entirely unconventional in the already unconventional world of surrogacy. There will be people that think that we, that *I*, am crazy. I know that, but I know that what I am a part of is amazing and right.
Why would I CHOOSE to be one of two surros? I am doing this to help two wonderful people become parents together. Just like my husband and I, they do not want to have just one child together, but hope so much for children. Given the exact circumstances they face having two surrogates is their best hope for that dream. I will admit that when Christy told me that they were hoping for 2 surrogates that I was a bit surprised, I had never even considered it. I knew, however, that with them and the right 4th member of this team, it would be perfect. As "Isis" said to me once, her and I will forever share the bond of carrying siblings. Two uteruses, one family. Creating families is why I do this, this time I will have the added benefit of a lifelong friendship with 3 amazing people.
I think we are all mature enough to know that there will be some harder times ahead. Quite frankly, that is just unavoidable in something as important and intimate as creating families through surrogacy. I do believe, however, that we have the right people on this team to conquer any obstacles life presents us. So I look towards the near future with- optimism, anticipation, and excitement. Christy and Jon, thank you for choosing me to be a part of creating and nourishing your children. This is one team I knew I had to be on.
Isis - Her name literally means "queen of the throne."
One of the most important female deities, Isis was the protectress of motherhood, healer of the sick, and protectress of women.
She also rules magic - especially protection and healing.
Sick with grief concerning the murder of her husband Osiris by his brother Set, Isis reconstructed and reanimated his corpse long enough for it to impregnate her with their only son Horus.
Ancient Egyptians believed that the Nile flooded every year because of her tears of sorrow for her dead husband, Osiris. Her methods for getting pregnant and having a child were unconventional, but many people think that our methods are unconventional as well.
Her story does show how far someone will go to have a baby. She was determined and committed to making it happen. It could be thought of as an early version of IVF.
Ajysyt - The literal meaning is "Birthgiver". You can pronounce it as asia-sit.
She is the Mother goddess of the Turkic Yakut people from the Lena River region of Siberia.
Ajysyt was responsible for conducting the soul of a newborn child to its birth and attended every birth. She kept a golden book in which she recorded each one. She is said to have lived in a mountain, from which she controlled the fate of the world.
In legend she appeared to a white youth out of the roots of the Cosmic Tree (or world pillar of Yryn-al-tojon) which itself stood beside a lake of milk. By suckling the youth from her breasts she caused his strength to increase a hundredfold.
That was the fun announcement and now here is the serious announcement. It needs to be longer.
Which one do you like better?
Our team chooses to work through complex situations, with with each other as imperfect human beings on behalf of a divine purpose.
We see our strategy, however unconventional, as the best possible way to bring the joy of life into this family.
Here is my announcement Rhyme, but it's not yet finished and needs some help - plus it's not really a rhyme.
Let me know how we can make it better.
This is your normal story about a boy and a girl, their surrogate, and their other surrogate. Okay, maybe not so normal, but it is a story.
This is unconventional. It must be wrong.
But, give us some time to sing you our song.
The peasants have their pitchforks ready, with fear in their eyes,
warning of danger and problems that might arise, with a sigh.
But the stories just starting - it's calm and it's clear,
So, go get your popcorn and let's gather right here.
Our Journey begins with a Boy and a Girl, it's simple you see, since baby makes three.
Except there's a problem that we must confess - the infertility bug makes life a mess.
Our goal is a family that is large and happy,
We need support to make the boy a pappi.
They will go anywhere in the world for a baby in hand,
If your not infertile, you can't understand.
The search is on for the perfect Surro,
Even if they need to pay her in Euro's.
The perfect Surro, does she exist?
We look at the tooth fairy and St. Nick, you get the gist.
We look to fertility goddesses to guide us on our way
Ajysyt and Isis are chosen and they are here to stay.
St. Nick will soon be there. He goes off in the night with no baby in sight.
If you are new your scratching your head
the village idiots just need to go to bed.
Ajysyt and Isis are the heart of this rhyme.
With them on the team there'll be a baby this time.
There is always a start to a story and this is our beginning. It is not our first time trying IVF or surrogacy to have a child, but the start of a new adventure.
This time we are working with two surrogates so we should have twice the fun. We have already given our surrogates names for this blog. They are Ajysyt and Isis and they will help us on our adventure of a lifetime.
This blog will be a collaboration between the two Intended Parents and the two surrogates.
So go get your popcorn and settle in to enjoy our story.
Our Cheerleaders
Intended Parent Expect Miracles Agency
This is a blog built by Intended Parents for Intended Parents. Having been through the process ourselves we understand better than anyone else the road that lies ahead when building a family through IVF and Surrogacy.